it's not the way you plan it, it's how you make it happen

Too many plans, too many dreams. I can't seem to make them happen. It's frustrating. I've laid out my plans, yet i don't have the guts to materialize them. I want to do this, I want to do that, I want to do him (okay, kidding) but it's all just a bouquet of words -- words without actions. I am always left with this hard decision of whether I follow my dreams or I stick to the conventional. I always think of the pros and cons of my actions -- would it benefit me, or disfavor me? I would think, what would my parents' or friends' reaction be if I do this or stop doing this? What if everything would fail and I would be left with nothing? It's always a matter of thinking. Maybe I do tend to overthink every detail, and that's what sets me back from following my dreams and plans. Maybe it's this fear that I am nurturing inside me that hinders me from doing everything. It's this fear of trying and then failing that separates me and my dreams. Perhaps, it's time to let this fear go, stop overthinking, and just do what I want to? Yes, these are words again. Words I'm afraid I could not live by. I should just take these baby steps, do one thing at a time, until I reach my dreams. One day, I'm gonna make this happen. 

giving up

why is giving up the only option i have when things don't go right? maybe i've never been strong at all. it was all just an illusion; lies that i tell myself to make me feel better. life puts me through a lot of bullshit and i just can't handle it all. i hate feeling so helpless and hopeless. i don't know how to pick myself up. giving up would be easier -- saves me all the trouble of getting up and going through the same shits all over again. i don't know. i'm still stuck in the middle. i will always be here, thinking of moving up or going down, left or right. nothing could save me right now.

Nothing’s going right; eveything’s going downhill. It’s catching up with me; I can feel it behind my back. I’m too scared to end it, yet too scared to go on. I’m hanging in the middle of nothingness, crying, hoping for salvation. I find no point in doing anything. Everything hurts on the inside. I’m drowning in my loneliness. One hand’s up, seeking for your help, yet no one seems to see me. No one seems to hear me. No one seems to feel me. I am nothing. I am not going right. Just let me drown this time, perhaps, this would be better. It’s beside me now, embracing me, telling me it will not be alright. I’m always going to be in the middle, hanging to whatever piece of hope I could get. 

just this. okay. it helped me a lot.

if you're suicidal, thinking of self-harm and similar things, go read this okay http://www.cracked.com/article_15658_the-ten-minute-suicide-guide.html

if you're james dean, i'm audrey hepburn

as long as you're here with me, i know i'll be okay 

life's been hard on me for the past few months. it goes up, it goes down; sometimes, one lasts longer than the other. but the pleasant thought of you, never giving up on me, is what keeps me going c: you never gave up on me when i almost gave up on myself. i'll never forget that day, my dear c: whenever i feel down, just the thought of you is enough to make me feel okay. i love you, dear, and i can't wait to spend forever with you because then, i would feel alright every single day c: they say that love is forever, your forever is all that i need <3