I haven't fully grieved over last month's breakup and instead i get these momentary breakdowns on random nights. I don't know how to stop this. How do you stop feelings

Beat me

Beat me.

This is something that my anxiety would say to me. TBH, this tag game with anxiety is getting too tiring. One day, it just pops out of nowhere saying "tag, you're it," and surprise, surprise, anxiety caught me. Haha. It won't let me live until i beat it. BUT IT KEEPS ON COMING BACK. It keeps on coming back.

My life is changing and maybe I'm just in denial that such is happening. I'm too afraid of changes. Fuck it, I'm weak. Maybe this is why my buddy here keeps on coming back, wanting to play. I hope you get tired of it because I am. 

(Un)Lost

I thought that if I would make it, I'd be fine. Sure, I'm ecstatic as fuck. Heck, I've been dreaming of this moment for so long. Then why

Why do I still feel empty

Why do I still feel lost

What to do

Where to go

From  h e r e

Some days

Some days, I feel good as fuck.

Some days, I just want to cry my eyes out.

Some days, I just don't give a shit.

Drag me down

Depression actually takes something from you and you can never take it back no matter how hard you try.

In my case, I kinda lost some of my friends and my ability to talk to them like we used to. This depression created a gap in our relationship that I've been trying to fill but I can't. No one knows because no one will understand. It's not an underestimation, but it's a way of keeping myself safe. This sad life I'm leading, I hope it doesn't last long.

Looking back

When I started this blog almost three years ago as an outlet for all of my negative emotions, I never thought I would have gotten better and would have gotten this far. But here I am, and I've had a lot of accomplishments since then. Sure, I do get the occasional mood swings and relapses but I get through them. I learned how to handle the things that make me sad -- from school to friends to random, nonsense stuff. I learned how to not get the simplest of things get to me. I learned to control my emotions. I surrounded myself with good people and burned bridges for the bad ones. Yes, I still make mistakes, some of them I am really not proud of. But mistakes are mistakes, I just need to make them right. The bottomline is I learned to not give a fuck and make a big fuss about every single negative thing. I've grown a lot emotionally and I hope to God this would be, indeed, for the better. 

you

I caught this sadness like a cold
How do you end this
I need my medicine
But you're my medicine
Yet you are also the cold
Will i ever be cured by this sickness called
"y o u"

was it worth it

it's sad how you unintentionally hurt people

but i never meant to hurt you

i did not choose to hurt you

i never wanted to hurt you

but it can't be helped

there's nothing i can do to not hurt you

is it worth it

is it worth hurting you

is the pain worth it

am i worth the pain

the pain, the hurt

that you had no plan of getting rid of

am i worth it

i don't think so

i am not worth the pain

Hi. I'm that sad little bitch with take-out and alcohol. And I can't change this fucking font to Verdana.

I'm so tired of telling myself that I am strong when I know, deep down, that I'm not.

je souhaite

i wish i could see the world through your eyes
how do you view everything?
how do you find joy in the littlest things?
how do you smile so genuinely despite every wrong thing in this world?
i wish i could have a glimpse of your perspective
how do you believe in love?
how do you gain faith when you do not have much in your hands?
i wish i could know the reason behind those bright eyes
how do you tirelessly shine when everything else is in darkness?
i wish i could be like you -- grounded, dedicated and beautiful
is He the one behind this?
i wish i could meet Him, get close to Him
i would be delighted to
i don't aim for perfection, nor to be exactly like you
i know we have our flaws, but it's worth a shot, right?
i wish i could. i really wish i could.

just life updates after first semester?

....aaand first semester 2014-2015 is officially done. Luckily, I passed all of my subjects and next month, I'm going to start my last semester in college. It's exciting and sad at the same time. I just don't want to face all these adult stuff yet. 

But, my second to the last semester was a blast. ;D This sem was so fun because I get to spend much of it with my close friends and boyfriend and I kinda did well on my subjects. Though I haven't been to any concerts this sem except for Issues show at the start of the semester, it was still a very happy semester. I just love my friends and bf (and my subjects as well). I'm just so stoked to take a rest and chill for this Christmas break. 

And I'm also stoked for 2015 because dang, so many concerts! I'm going to see The 1975 before the semester starts and I'm going to see Ed Sheeran on my birthday! God, life's awesome! ;D

never

late night conversations
2am gentle breeze
caresses your skins

soft laughs
glowing eyes
low murmurs
and meaningful stares

why can't this be us

this could have been us

but it's not.

and it will never be.
i'm not her.
and i will never be.

(is sorry with a comma or not)

sorry, i'm an idiot for letting you slip away.

sorry, i'm too scared to take chances.

sorry, i'm jealous of the fact that you like her now.

sorry, i'm not a thousand times better than she is.

overthinking

it just dawned on me that this will (hopefully) be my last year in college. and several questions sprung out of my beautiful mind. 

"am i ready for this?"

"have i really experienced everything i needed to experience during college?"

"will everything be worth it?" 

"did i miss anything?"

"have i done everything from my imaginary bucket list?" (the answer to this question is, i think, no.)

"will i really graduate?"

"why am i still a lazy ass?"

"did i learn everything i need to learn from my degree?"

"will everything i learned be sufficient to land me a decent job after graduation and passing the board?"

"will i pass the board exams?"

""what happens next?"

"can i face reality?"


i know, i'm overthinking and getting anxious, yet again. but it's the reality that i have to face every single day. every day that passes by, means a step closer to graduation. and i honestly felt like everything i have learned for the past 4 years  up to the present is not enough to prepare me for the rest of my life. yes, i'm just overthinking because fuck studying and upcoming exams.

what a shame, what a shame, we all remain such
fragile
broken 
things

I S S U E S

August 17, 2014. 
Shockwave Supreme Stage! a.k.a the day we saw Issues live in Manila!

One of the best bands I have ever seen live, or should I say the best band so far that I have seen live! They sounded so great and their studio versions sounds almost the same with the live versions, even better! 6/6 are very amazing performers and very nice guys and even though Manila was already their last stop of their Asian tour, they still gave 110% of their energy to the show. I have never been so filled with excitement and enthusiasm and I have never jumped so high before. The Issues guys are so awesome and so is the crowd! 

At around 5:30 PM, the show was started with Faspitch performing their songs to open up for Issues. It was my first time seeing this band live and I have to say they really are good! Love their sound and love their vocals! By then, I realized that I should listen to this band more, and I will. ;)

Faspitch performing last August 17.

By 6:30 PM, the Issues guys got up on the stage. I was so stoked because I can finally hear them play live (and not just at their soundcheck earlier haha). I was extra excited for AJ Rebollo because he was such a nice dude and I can finally hear him play. Then, Issues started playing their first song, Personality Cult, and as soon as the intro started playing, everyone started to move and jump around. And then enter Michael Bohn's powerful screams. The crowd was definitely having a really good time and Tyler Carter also entered the stage and the crowd went wild. Venice Piazza was soaked in fun and sweat as Issues continued their set up to their last song, Hooligans. I remember being in awe at Ty Acord for various reasons and I also remember staring at Sky Acord's hair for some time. And Josh Manuel's beats were so rad!! Haha. 

Issues performing live for the first time in Manila.

Before the guys went back on stage to play their encore, the crowd broke into a "disappear!" chant followed by singing "remember when..." and holy shit, that moment was incredible indeed! Not only was that song was my personal favorite, but the Issues guys came out and Tyler, with his angelic voice, joined in singing with the crowd! It was indeed a magical moment and Issues loved it! (see here and here to know what I'm talking about!) They continued on playing two more songs, Her Monologue, and finally ending up their set with King of Amarillo. 

Michael Bohn during King of Amarillo.

To sum up everything I have said about Issues: IT. WAS. SO. AWESOME. ONE OF THE BEST LIVE BANDS INDEED. Really love this band to bits!

It was really a dream come true to see one of my favorite bands live and props to the crowd for being so fun and energetic. There was so much moshing and circle pits and headbanging and it was the best feeling ever! Furthermore, I got to spend the day with my love and meet up with my twitter friends! <3 

Thank you so much Sonic Boom for making this gig possible!! Your gigs definitely don't suck! And of course thank you also to Faspitch for a good show! And last but definitely not the least, a huge thank you to Issues for giving us a memorable night! 

I made sure how I lived that moment was worth every breath! (and sweat lol) ;)

---
If you want to hear a live recording of Issues' Love Sex Riot, CLICK HERE! You'll hear that they sound exactly the same as their studio version, even better 'cause it's live and with a live (moshing) audience! 

aaaand if you want to watch a live video of Issues' Life Of A Nine on my perspective (hahaha) feel free to CLICK HERE :)

--

i'm not supposed to miss you.
i'm not
i'm not
i'm not
but i miss you.

05.30.14 23.25

i thought i was fine
i thought i was fine
i thought i was fine
i thought i was fine
i thought i was fine
i thought i was fine
i thought i was fine
i thought i was fine
i thought i was fine
i thought i was 

rage shit bc of you

you built a fence around yourself and started to burn every single bridge, now tell me, how am i supposed to reach out to you?
it feels like we're not worthy of each others' time anymore and probably it's better off that way. if you don't care, then i don't care. i'm sick of pretending that everything's fine between us. the plain thought of you makes me want to vomit. what you do behind my back makes me vomit. now, go ahead and throw every memory. it's practically useless now, is it? how long can you hide behind those goody-goody shoes? it's pathetic. i think it's time for me to turn around now and head over the other direction. i'm sick of walking beside you. or behind you. i'm sick of tagging along, trying still to fit in your world. i'm not meant for this shit. if this is what you call a "friend", then i'd rather not have one like you.