Drag me down

Depression actually takes something from you and you can never take it back no matter how hard you try.

In my case, I kinda lost some of my friends and my ability to talk to them like we used to. This depression created a gap in our relationship that I've been trying to fill but I can't. No one knows because no one will understand. It's not an underestimation, but it's a way of keeping myself safe. This sad life I'm leading, I hope it doesn't last long.

fuck everything. that's why.

that feeling that you just don't belong
that you don't really want to be here 
that you're just tiring yourself out for things that would eventually fail you
that you think you need to be somewhere else
reaching out, chasing what you really love


things get you down, break you into a million pieces
but life goes on
someday, somehow, you'll need to get those pieces back
put it together and things would get better.
it will. it should.

suicide

Just so you know, I have done reading Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher just last night. If you are not familiar with this novel, this is about the tapes by a girl who committed suicide. She recorded the reasons for her suicide and sent out the tapes to the people involved in it. That's the only thing I'll tell you so I won't spoil anything for you. If you want to know more about this novel, you can google it or just read the book. 
Thirteen Reasons Why made me see the thoughts of a suicidal person. And I admit, I could relate to some parts. We should be sensitive to people who are prone to suicide or depression. These people usually appear to be fine on the outside, yet their emotions and thoughts are not. It is also very hard for a person to come out and admit that he/she is suicidal. It takes a lot of courage to do that. A LOT. They probably use up all the courage they have left. But, most of the time, they are not taken seriously. The fucked up society often thinks that suicidal persons are just attention seekers. Yes, they do need attention, but not that kind of attention you are thinking. They need help, and for them to ask for help, they need your attention. But most people just shrug them off thinking that they are just looking for attention. Well, you are so wrong. These people should be taken seriously if you care for their life. 
I am telling you: these people have a hard time reaching out so you should be the one to try and reach out to that person if you don't want to lose them and eat all the blame and guilt. You should be aware of these kinds of people. Looks are deceiving. You'll never know if that normal guy, or perhaps, the happiest-looking guy is the one needing your help. Deep down, these people are looking for help. They just don't to whom and how to ask for it. 
Once these people felt like no one actually cares, they would eventually stop looking for help, and they would decide on their own. Oh, you know what would happen then. Just like in that novel.
Honestly, I think this novel reaches out to people for them to be aware of the thoughts of a person who is giving up on life. And for people who are on the verge of giving up: you should always know that someone out there cares, you just have to find out who, but I am definitely sure that someone cares.

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Dear anonymous reader, 
Notice that I do not include myself on the pronouns used in that post. That is because I am stuck off somewhere in between. Now, before you go off judging me because of this post, let me tell you this: I AM NOT SUICIDAL (for nowww). As of this moment, I am sane enough to not think about that. I just wanted to share my thoughts about suicide. If you personally know me (I don't know how you got here, stalker! Ha, kidding), you might as well read between the lines.

choices

I am writing this in the middle of the week, and in the middle of the day because A) I am very confused, and B) I am pissed off. Let's start with reason A.
I am very confused 'cause there are so many options that I am having a hard time choosing one. There are too many paths ahead of me and I cannot choose which one to take. Let's see... here are the options:
1. Church.
2. Join org A.
3. Join org B.
4. Music. ♥
5. Paka-adik sa acads.
6. As is. (flirting, sitting around -- which are kind of getting boring)
I'm guessing I need to choose at least one among the first four 'cause my depression isn't getting any better. I need distractions. I feel like if I don't do something before the year ends, I might as well go. LOL. Kidding. This freakin' depression is almost headed towards that. I need to be saved. But anyway, that isn't the point of this post. I just want to do something worthwhile, yung tipong worth it naman ang pag-eexist ko. IDK. I'm just confused that I do not know what I am saying.
Next off, I am pissed off. People are leaving me behind. People do NOT leave me behind. I should be the one leaving them. :P But yeah, it IS happening. And it is pissing me off. So much. Truth is, I hate solitude. It brings up the depression. Depression easily eats me up whenever I am alone. So yeah, as of now, my solution is just flirting and watching some series. But we all know that would not last long. I need some kind of a long term solution. This is how this reason is related to the first one.  
Screw everybody. 
:(

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I am currently in music therapy. Yeah, I'm playing those loud rock songs. They deal with all the frustration and anger and whatever you call these feelings I feel right now. 

trapped in the past

Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on.

During this last week (and the past few weeks, too), I admit, I have been struggling with depression. I don't know why, but it is as if all those negative thoughts are eating me up. They linger on my mind, poisoning my system. I cry at random times; I cry myself to sleep, I cry during my free period, I cry while washing up, I cry while watching a non-drama show. Of course, I feel strange that this is happening to me, and I am just letting me do this myself. There's too much pain inside of me, and I need to let it all out.

There may only be two persons who would know about this, my friend and you, random reader. Despite the happiness that I express when I am around people, I feel the exact opposite whenever I am alone. During those times that I am alone, depression seems to be catching up on me. One day, I thought I already feel fine, but then later on, depression takes over me. Those were very confusing times. I do not know why this happens to me, but I just keep on praying that He may enlighten me, lead me to the right direction. 

True, I have problems. One is that I feel so insecure with the people around me. I feel like I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough... I feel like I am not enough. I know it's wrong to feel that way, but my brain keeps on thinking that way. 

Moreover, I feel that I am not wanted by my peers, like I'm just trying to fit myself in to them. I may probably feel that way due to some issues which is actually not an issue at all. 

Jealousy may also be a factor for this depression. This can be connected to that insecurity problem that I have. 

And another problem is that I could not freakin move on. I have been stuck here for three years. I may move a little but it's just a few steps, then I would stop, not wanting to move on from where we left off. Guilt still consumes me up to this day. I have a lot of questions on my mind that I've been wanting to ask him for years, yet I think this would just remain on my list of unanswered questions in life. It's the guilt and those moments thinking what could have been that makes me cry. I just can't seem to take another step, I'm trapped in my own misery. It just hurts, but the pain seems quite bearable. Crying helps ease the pain.

And with all these problems contained in my head and endless crying 'til I lose consciousness, I decided I should to talk to a friend... particularly that friend. I would not want to go crazy bottling up all these emotions and problems, I need it all out. And that's what I did. I really love this friend of mine 'cause he knows exactly what to say in the moment. Honestly, he is the only person I have confided on this kind of problems, and he is the only person who have seen me cry (mula nung nag-college, di pa ako umiiyak in public). I know and God knows that I needed someone like this in my life right now, and He gave it to me. :)

As of this moment, while I am writing this post, I feel better and un-depressed. Haha :) It is all thanks to the talk that I had with that friend, recent distractions (which is a good thing), and of course, God's continuing guidance in my life. I know that He is someone I can always talk to and that He knows what I really feel; words aren't necessary.

I still kind of want to know the answers to my unanswered questions... someday... I will know that.