memorable moments this 2013 :D

Just like last year, I'm going to list down my 10 most memorable moments for this year. I'd say this year was awesome, probably better than last year. I've been good and bad, happy and sad, but in the end, all the experience was worth it :D


10. April 8, 2013 
     This day was the roller coaster of the year. Haha. I remember clearly how my day started so bad because of my problem, and I still had a final exam later in the morning. I can't really say what exactly happened, but it was hell. I hope I won't go through that again next year.
      Later that day (some time in the afternoon), my soon-to-be boyfriend in a few minutes visited me, and he made everything better by asking me to be his girlfriend. I've liked him for some time then, so it was quite easy to say yes. :) He had a few presents for me, including a chocolate so melted because of the summer heat. Haha. I appreciated his presents a lot. And all my anxiety during the morning was gone. :)

9. Christmas eve
     It was the first time we spent Christmas eve away from home. We went to our relative's home and we get to spend it there together. There was a photo booth and a lot of pictures were taken, and my cousins and I enjoyed it so much. Haha. There were lots of drinks and foods and stories as well. It was actually nice to spend Christmas eve this way. :)

8. Acads
     This had it's ups and downs, but, during the latter part of the year, this was the better part. Don't get me wrong, I love learning new stuff and I'm not all that high and mighty when it comes to academics, but finally feeling industrious again this second semester feels good. Maybe because I'm learning all new stuff from my major, and it's interesting. :)
     Also, the last part of the first semester was quite fun despite all those loads of schoolwork and projects. It was awesome brainstorming and getting to work with my brilliant classmates/groupmates. The downside is I really missed proper sleep. A LOT. :---)

7. Opening up to more music
     Because of my bf and twitter friends, I got the chance to listen to a lot of new and cool stuff from different bands and artists. I can't find any other words to say about this but I'm definitely glad that my iTunes contains over a thousand songs.

6. Hangout with HS friends last sembreak
     Well, at least we get to meet at least once every year. There were almost 20 of us who gathered and just enjoyed each other's company. It was a very fun hang out. We ate at Shakey's, strolled inside the mall then played at Quantum. Of course, we exchanged a lot of stories since we need a lot of catching up to do. :)

5. Meeting BForce and other fangirl friends (haha)
     Well honestly, I love BForce to bits and they just make me so happy. Haha. We all have something in common (hey, Mr. Jack Barakat) plus everyone's got their own sense of humor. Ily gurls.
     And to everyone else who helped me get to where I am... (what!?)
     And for every fangirl/boy I have met over the internet, damn, they're awesome. Stay awesome and hope I to see some of them on other concerts :)
     This also goes out to my elbi fangirl friends. You know who you are :--)

4. When Jack Barakat replied to my tweet
     Oh come on, who wouldn't be overly delighted to have Jack reply a full sentence to you?? Sorry but I'm just so happy okay. It's okay for a girl to be happy about this kind of things. ;D
See Jack's tweet here :D :D :D

3. Paramore concert (February 15, 2013)
     I missed them last 2010, but not this time. :D Hearing one of my all time favorite band live was really an amazing moment. Hayley's voice is just so perfect, the whole band is perfect, not to mention I'm surrounded by tens of thousands of people loving the same music as I do. 
And nope. I will not get a Gen Ad seat again because fuck vertigo.

2. Bazooka Rocks weekend (August 24-25,2013)
     BEST. WEEKEND. EVER. Met and hugged my fave bands especially Tonight Alive and All Time Low. I freakin' hugged them!!!! *fangirl moment* And of course, that wouldn't be possible without those hundreds of people whom I bothered and nagged to vote for my entry on MOA's contest for that M&G. To all of those people, I send you all my love and my deepest gratitude :-)
     Of course, the concert itself was rad!!!! 14 hours of awesome live music from more than 10 different bands, being surrounded by people who have the same passion and love for music as I do, and seeing my fave bands next to the person I love is beyond perfect. Plus, booze and foods and random booths is more than I could ask for. It was the best 3k something I've ever spent, and it was definitely well-spent!

1. P :-)
     We started the year together (well, we still weren't together at the start of the year but you get the idea) and I'm glad we're ending it together, as well. I honestly don't know what I'd be, or where I'd be if he wouldn't be in my life right now. He's the best thing that ever happened to me this year. He's my Jack Barakat, my best friend, my concert buddy, my pillow and the love of my life. I don't wanna get cheesy anymore so I'll just say that I really love him. :-)
Well, that's one to cross off this list :-)


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I really want to thank God for giving me such a great year, a lot of experiences and a good boyfriend. I wanna thank my family and all my friends, because heck, my 2013 would be incomplete without you. I also wanna thank bands for existing and creating music. I wanna thank whoever created twitter because I made quite some friends over twitter, ya know. Well, going back to the topic, I know every good and bad thing that I encountered this year only adds up to my list of awesome experience. :-)

memorable moments this 2012 :D

Since 2012 is ending, I just want to recall the 10 most memorable moments I had this year :D

10. That one day with d.

     Some time during the sembreak, I went out with d to elbi. Just as friends. Hang out lang naman saka nagcheck ng grades. Kuntento na ko sa ganon kami. I’m happy na we’re friends and moments like these are just so cute. :)

9. Swimming last May with high school classmates

     Fun fun fun dahil bonding to with high school classmates tapos overnight swimming pa. Just a little get-together in the middle of the year :D

8. Nung panahong halos na-exempt ako sa lahat ng final exams.

     Nung 1^st sem AY 2012-2013 ‘to. Sorry kung medyo mayabang ang dating pero I am proud of my achievements. Chos. I know I did my best on those subjects, and obviously, nag-pay off naman yung efforts ko dahil yung mga subjects na may exemption for finals ay naexempt ako. I satisfied the requirements for exemption kaya ganon. Haha. Isang subject lang ako hindi na-exempt and I just needed 0.01 in my grade para maexempt. You do not know how pissed I was with that. Hahaha.

7. Girls’ night out with VGmates.

     This happened last March as a sem-ender for us VGmates. We attended worship night (really feels good to thank God for all the blessings we had that semester :D)then had an overnight at our VGmates’ apartment. There were surprise cakes for the birthday celebrants for the past months(kasama ako haha) tapos movie marathon lang. I remember that night, muntik na ko magremovals sa onse non dahil ang final grade ko sa onse ay 60 point something na lang. Wewwww. Anywaaay, that night was so fun :)

6. 3 days straight of bonding with friends.

     Ngayong Christmas break lang ‘to. First day was with high school classmates. Birthday kasi ng isa naming classmate so we went to his house to have some videoke time and eaaaat! Haha. It was craaaazy and so fun :D Second day was with close friends. My friend and I made a cover of a Selena Gomez song for her project and my other two friends helped in recording it. It was awesome :) Third day was with more friends and gala-gala lang yon sa SM. Chill lang, still fun though haha. Take note, my bestfriend was also present on those 3  days. XD

5. Meeting the most awesome person I have ever met (so far)

     Hahaha. He really is awesome. I have mentioned him somewhere in my blog… I think. XD Di ko alam kung anong mangyayari sa 2012 ko kung di ko siya nakilala at naging kaibigan :)

4. That moment with that person at number 5.

     Those moments pala dapat. Haha. To the future me who will read this, you know what those moments are :)

3. My 18^th birthday celebration.

     Awesome party with the most awesome people ever. :) Kahit may exam ako kinabukasan after non, gora laaaang! Haha.

2. Watched Hunger Games with a special person.

     Sobraaaang… uhm, kilig and happiness lang ang nafeel ko non :”> I really like him, and yon, again, to the future me who might read this, remember that moment and all the feelings please. :D Sobrang special lang nung moment na yon anddd. ermegerd. hihi

1. The Cab live at ATC!

     SEPT. 22, 2012. BEST. MOMENT. OF. MY. LIFE. The feeeels hahaha! It’s really great to see your favorite band playing your favorite songs. <3 Really. Perfect moment. I was with my close friend and we both enjoyed the show!!! :D

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And with that, I do want to thank God for all the wonderful things that happened to me this year, both the good and the bad ones. I know that by these experiences, I am becoming a better person and a person that I want to be. And also, I would like to thank my friends and family for being with me this year <3 Mga sponsors ng buhay ko. :) Hahaha. Hope to have a fun 2013. :D

january 4, 2012

I made this uhm... note(?) last January. Ang alam ko straight Tagalog ang ginamit ko non. Too emo to speak in English eh. Haha. I came across this tonight, I re-read it, and thought I should post this here. Masyadong emo eh, natutuwa ako. Hopefully, walang makakabasa neto na kakilala ko, at kung kilala niyo man ako personally, please lang, iwan niyo na lang dito ang nabasa niyo :D You're not supposed to find out about this in the first place. Haha.

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Ika-apat ng Enero, 2012

Hindi na ako parte ng mga plano mo. Unti-unti na akong umaalis sa buhay mo. Wala na rin akong magawa eh at nararamdaman ko namang ayaw mo na rin talaga. Bakit hindi ako gumawa ng paraan, dalawang taon na ang nakararaan? Bakit hinayaan ko na lang na umalis ka? Bakit hinayaan ko na lang mawala ang lahat kung alam ko namang mahal na mahal kita?

Ika-labinglima ng Nobyembre, 2009

Pwede naman ako bumalik kaagad sayo pero hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko magawa kasi natatakot ako. Natatakot ako na baka ipagtulakan mo lang ako palayo dahil sa sobrang sakit na nararamdaman natin. Hindi naman natin kailangang putulin lahat, pwede pa sana natin ito maayos… Pero walang gumawa ng paraan.

Enero hanggang Agosto, 2010

Ilang buwan pagkatapos natin maghiwalay, muli tayong nagkausap at ayos na naman tayo. Alam kong mahal mo pa rin ako dahil sinabi mo rin ito at alam kong alam mo rin na mahal pa rin kita. At pakalipas pa ng ilang buwan, ganoon pa rin tayo. Normal na pakikitungo lang, pero alam mong meron pa rin talaga.

Nung mga panahong nagiging malapit na ulit tayo, akala ko may pag-asa pa ulit. Meron ngang pag-asa, pero wala na naman gumawa ng paraan. Hindi ko alam kung dala ba ito ng hiya o takot na masaktan lang ulit ang isa’t isa, pero hindi ba’t mas ayos na subukang gumawa ng paraan kaysa sa hinayaan na lang mawala ang pagkakataon at magsisi habangbuhay? Sayang. Sayang lang yung mga pagkakataong ‘yun.

Nobyembre, 2010

At isang taon makalipas ang paghihiwalay natin, nalaman ko na lang sa iba na may iba ka na raw gusto. Eh di syempre ako naman ‘tong si “sige, ayos lang yan J”. Tapos nakikita ko na lang sa Facebook na ayon, malapit kayong magkaibigan at magkabarkada pa. Mukha ka namang masaya kaya hinayaan ko na lang. Nagkukuwento ka nga tungkol doon eh, dahil pinupuwersa kitang magkwento. >:D

Disyembre 2010 hanggang Mayo 2011

Mas naging malapit pa nga tayo kung kailan wala na tayo. Parang mas nakilala pa kita. Kaya nga siguro madali tayong natibag, kasi wala tayong malakas na pundasyon. Bigla na lang kasi naging tayo nang hindi pa kita nakikilala ng lubusan. Walang pagkakaibigan na pundasyon yung relasyon natin, minadali kasing gawin.

Lumalabas na nga tayo eh, pag nagkakayayaan ang isa’t isa. Kung kailan wala na tayo saka natin nagawang mag-sine at kung anu-ano pa. Tinutulungan kita noon makapasok dito sa unibersidad, dahil alam kong gustong-gusto mo. At marami tayong napagsamahan noong mga panahong ‘yon. Natupad naman ang kagustuhan mong makapasok dito sa unibersidad, at pareho tayong nasiyahan dito.

Hunyo hanggang Oktubre, 2011

Ayun nga, lagi na kita nakikita dito sa campus. Isang buong sem ko sinusubukan ibalik ulit yung dati. Lagi tayo nagkikita kapag wala tayong klase at tatambay sa inyo o kaya sabay naghahapunan kasama ang iba nating mga kaibigan. At ako na naman itong si akala… akala ko may pag-asa na naman. Pero ngayon, ako na lang ata ang may gusto. At syempre, wala na talagang mangyayari kung ganoon nga lang ang sitwasyon.

Ikunukuntento ko na lang ang sarili ko sa ganoong sitwasyon, kahit papaano ay meron tayong koneksyon sa isa’t isa. Masaya naman ako doon. Pero hindi buong-buong masaya kasi alam kong hanggang doon na lang. Magkaibigan na lang talaga siguro tayo. Ayos na ako doon.

Nobyembre 2011 hanggang sa kasalukuyan, ika-apat ng Enero, 2012

Sinusubukan ko na umusad papalayo sa mga nararamdaman ko sa’yo. Ngunit humantong lang ako sa iba’t ibang kabalastugan. Kung anu-ano na ginagawa ko makalimutan ka lang. Bihira ka na lang din magparamdam at kung magkakausap man tayo, sasaglit lang. Nawala na naman yung pagiging malapit natin. Baka kasi masyado na akong abala sa pag-aaral ko at hindi lang talaga nagtutugma ang mga oras na walang klase ang isa’t isa. Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit sa iba may oras ka, pero sa akin wala? Sila lagi mong nakakasama, pero ako hindi? May panahon ka sa babae na pinaghihinalaan kong gusto mo, pero sa akin wala? Yung babae na yon lagi mong nakakasama, pero ako hindi? Eh kung sapakin ko kaya sarili ko? Wala na naman kasi akong karapatan sa’yo at lalong wala akong karapatan na sabihin ‘yang mga bagay na ‘yan at magselos. Pero hindi ba’t basta may nararamdaman, may karapatan kang magselos? Pero hindi eh, hindi na ako makapalag sa mga nangyayaring ito.

Siguro nga hindi na ako parte ng mga plano mo. Unti-unti na lang ako aalis sa buhay mo. Wala na rin akong magawa at nararamdaman ko namang ayaw mo na rin talaga. Hahayaan na lang kita maging masaya, habang ako’y miserable pa rin. Hahayaan na lang kita maging masaya sa ibang tao, habang minamahal pa rin kita. Hindi ko alam kung paano at kailan ako makakaalis sa pagsisisi at panghihinayang ko dito. Iiyak na lang ako at yayakapin si Barney, ang baklang dinosaur.

trapped in the past

Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on.

During this last week (and the past few weeks, too), I admit, I have been struggling with depression. I don't know why, but it is as if all those negative thoughts are eating me up. They linger on my mind, poisoning my system. I cry at random times; I cry myself to sleep, I cry during my free period, I cry while washing up, I cry while watching a non-drama show. Of course, I feel strange that this is happening to me, and I am just letting me do this myself. There's too much pain inside of me, and I need to let it all out.

There may only be two persons who would know about this, my friend and you, random reader. Despite the happiness that I express when I am around people, I feel the exact opposite whenever I am alone. During those times that I am alone, depression seems to be catching up on me. One day, I thought I already feel fine, but then later on, depression takes over me. Those were very confusing times. I do not know why this happens to me, but I just keep on praying that He may enlighten me, lead me to the right direction. 

True, I have problems. One is that I feel so insecure with the people around me. I feel like I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough... I feel like I am not enough. I know it's wrong to feel that way, but my brain keeps on thinking that way. 

Moreover, I feel that I am not wanted by my peers, like I'm just trying to fit myself in to them. I may probably feel that way due to some issues which is actually not an issue at all. 

Jealousy may also be a factor for this depression. This can be connected to that insecurity problem that I have. 

And another problem is that I could not freakin move on. I have been stuck here for three years. I may move a little but it's just a few steps, then I would stop, not wanting to move on from where we left off. Guilt still consumes me up to this day. I have a lot of questions on my mind that I've been wanting to ask him for years, yet I think this would just remain on my list of unanswered questions in life. It's the guilt and those moments thinking what could have been that makes me cry. I just can't seem to take another step, I'm trapped in my own misery. It just hurts, but the pain seems quite bearable. Crying helps ease the pain.

And with all these problems contained in my head and endless crying 'til I lose consciousness, I decided I should to talk to a friend... particularly that friend. I would not want to go crazy bottling up all these emotions and problems, I need it all out. And that's what I did. I really love this friend of mine 'cause he knows exactly what to say in the moment. Honestly, he is the only person I have confided on this kind of problems, and he is the only person who have seen me cry (mula nung nag-college, di pa ako umiiyak in public). I know and God knows that I needed someone like this in my life right now, and He gave it to me. :)

As of this moment, while I am writing this post, I feel better and un-depressed. Haha :) It is all thanks to the talk that I had with that friend, recent distractions (which is a good thing), and of course, God's continuing guidance in my life. I know that He is someone I can always talk to and that He knows what I really feel; words aren't necessary.

I still kind of want to know the answers to my unanswered questions... someday... I will know that.

11/15

We were lying in bed, facing each other, just sharing stories. Then, I whispered to him, "I miss you." He just looked at me, and I know that look; pitiful, hopeful, sad. He whispered something back. He whispered a lot of things that I wasn't able to catch all of it. He spoke, then, in his normal voice. He read to me some quote from his phone and said that someday, I would find the right guy for me, that I was pretty and good enough to find another man. He told me that yes, he do have regrets, but that was all in the past now. Then comes the awkward silence. He spoke again and said that there was one thing he wanted to do but he never got the chance to. I asked him what was it. I waited for his response, then he kissed me on the lips. It was short, around 2 seconds. But on that 2 seconds came the rush of emotions; happiness, nostalgia, but mostly, it was pain. This was the most painful kiss ever, emotionally speaking. After that brief kiss, I turned my back on him, trying not to cry, and he just hugged me from behind. 
Then, I woke up from this painful dream.