choices

I am writing this in the middle of the week, and in the middle of the day because A) I am very confused, and B) I am pissed off. Let's start with reason A.
I am very confused 'cause there are so many options that I am having a hard time choosing one. There are too many paths ahead of me and I cannot choose which one to take. Let's see... here are the options:
1. Church.
2. Join org A.
3. Join org B.
4. Music. ♥
5. Paka-adik sa acads.
6. As is. (flirting, sitting around -- which are kind of getting boring)
I'm guessing I need to choose at least one among the first four 'cause my depression isn't getting any better. I need distractions. I feel like if I don't do something before the year ends, I might as well go. LOL. Kidding. This freakin' depression is almost headed towards that. I need to be saved. But anyway, that isn't the point of this post. I just want to do something worthwhile, yung tipong worth it naman ang pag-eexist ko. IDK. I'm just confused that I do not know what I am saying.
Next off, I am pissed off. People are leaving me behind. People do NOT leave me behind. I should be the one leaving them. :P But yeah, it IS happening. And it is pissing me off. So much. Truth is, I hate solitude. It brings up the depression. Depression easily eats me up whenever I am alone. So yeah, as of now, my solution is just flirting and watching some series. But we all know that would not last long. I need some kind of a long term solution. This is how this reason is related to the first one.  
Screw everybody. 
:(

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I am currently in music therapy. Yeah, I'm playing those loud rock songs. They deal with all the frustration and anger and whatever you call these feelings I feel right now. 

flirting games

One does not lose on his/her own flirting game.

...or not.

Actually, I just lost on mine... and I was in RAAAAGE mode. LOL. This is probably the first time that I lost at my own game. No, it was not fun. I hate it. I hate the fact the I lost to some random guy and gave in just like that. I hate the fact that I flirted with him so much. But, that's it. He won. He freakin' won. And now I have no means of communication with him nor I do not want any form of communication with that a******. Haha. Now, go back to f***ing your ex, stranger. >:D

trapped in the past

Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on.

During this last week (and the past few weeks, too), I admit, I have been struggling with depression. I don't know why, but it is as if all those negative thoughts are eating me up. They linger on my mind, poisoning my system. I cry at random times; I cry myself to sleep, I cry during my free period, I cry while washing up, I cry while watching a non-drama show. Of course, I feel strange that this is happening to me, and I am just letting me do this myself. There's too much pain inside of me, and I need to let it all out.

There may only be two persons who would know about this, my friend and you, random reader. Despite the happiness that I express when I am around people, I feel the exact opposite whenever I am alone. During those times that I am alone, depression seems to be catching up on me. One day, I thought I already feel fine, but then later on, depression takes over me. Those were very confusing times. I do not know why this happens to me, but I just keep on praying that He may enlighten me, lead me to the right direction. 

True, I have problems. One is that I feel so insecure with the people around me. I feel like I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough... I feel like I am not enough. I know it's wrong to feel that way, but my brain keeps on thinking that way. 

Moreover, I feel that I am not wanted by my peers, like I'm just trying to fit myself in to them. I may probably feel that way due to some issues which is actually not an issue at all. 

Jealousy may also be a factor for this depression. This can be connected to that insecurity problem that I have. 

And another problem is that I could not freakin move on. I have been stuck here for three years. I may move a little but it's just a few steps, then I would stop, not wanting to move on from where we left off. Guilt still consumes me up to this day. I have a lot of questions on my mind that I've been wanting to ask him for years, yet I think this would just remain on my list of unanswered questions in life. It's the guilt and those moments thinking what could have been that makes me cry. I just can't seem to take another step, I'm trapped in my own misery. It just hurts, but the pain seems quite bearable. Crying helps ease the pain.

And with all these problems contained in my head and endless crying 'til I lose consciousness, I decided I should to talk to a friend... particularly that friend. I would not want to go crazy bottling up all these emotions and problems, I need it all out. And that's what I did. I really love this friend of mine 'cause he knows exactly what to say in the moment. Honestly, he is the only person I have confided on this kind of problems, and he is the only person who have seen me cry (mula nung nag-college, di pa ako umiiyak in public). I know and God knows that I needed someone like this in my life right now, and He gave it to me. :)

As of this moment, while I am writing this post, I feel better and un-depressed. Haha :) It is all thanks to the talk that I had with that friend, recent distractions (which is a good thing), and of course, God's continuing guidance in my life. I know that He is someone I can always talk to and that He knows what I really feel; words aren't necessary.

I still kind of want to know the answers to my unanswered questions... someday... I will know that.

11/15

We were lying in bed, facing each other, just sharing stories. Then, I whispered to him, "I miss you." He just looked at me, and I know that look; pitiful, hopeful, sad. He whispered something back. He whispered a lot of things that I wasn't able to catch all of it. He spoke, then, in his normal voice. He read to me some quote from his phone and said that someday, I would find the right guy for me, that I was pretty and good enough to find another man. He told me that yes, he do have regrets, but that was all in the past now. Then comes the awkward silence. He spoke again and said that there was one thing he wanted to do but he never got the chance to. I asked him what was it. I waited for his response, then he kissed me on the lips. It was short, around 2 seconds. But on that 2 seconds came the rush of emotions; happiness, nostalgia, but mostly, it was pain. This was the most painful kiss ever, emotionally speaking. After that brief kiss, I turned my back on him, trying not to cry, and he just hugged me from behind. 
Then, I woke up from this painful dream. 

and i hate you for making me fall in love with you

imma make another post. an impromptu one. haha ang sakit kasi </3 nag-iba na siya ng pakikitungo sakin. ngayon-ngayon lang kami nagkita ulit after 2 weeks and since that talk, iba na nga. iba na kami personally. i think he's trying to keep his distance, pero syempre mahirap gawin yun sa kalagayan namin. we were with friends eh. ewan ko ba. nafifeel ko kasing may iba. or praning lang ako. bakit ganon :( sobrang weird lang sa pakiramdam. di ko alam. sabi nga nila, we regret the things we did not say. but in my case, i regret the things i did say. and this is probably the second time. ever. ang sakit </3