trapped in the past

Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on.

During this last week (and the past few weeks, too), I admit, I have been struggling with depression. I don't know why, but it is as if all those negative thoughts are eating me up. They linger on my mind, poisoning my system. I cry at random times; I cry myself to sleep, I cry during my free period, I cry while washing up, I cry while watching a non-drama show. Of course, I feel strange that this is happening to me, and I am just letting me do this myself. There's too much pain inside of me, and I need to let it all out.

There may only be two persons who would know about this, my friend and you, random reader. Despite the happiness that I express when I am around people, I feel the exact opposite whenever I am alone. During those times that I am alone, depression seems to be catching up on me. One day, I thought I already feel fine, but then later on, depression takes over me. Those were very confusing times. I do not know why this happens to me, but I just keep on praying that He may enlighten me, lead me to the right direction. 

True, I have problems. One is that I feel so insecure with the people around me. I feel like I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough... I feel like I am not enough. I know it's wrong to feel that way, but my brain keeps on thinking that way. 

Moreover, I feel that I am not wanted by my peers, like I'm just trying to fit myself in to them. I may probably feel that way due to some issues which is actually not an issue at all. 

Jealousy may also be a factor for this depression. This can be connected to that insecurity problem that I have. 

And another problem is that I could not freakin move on. I have been stuck here for three years. I may move a little but it's just a few steps, then I would stop, not wanting to move on from where we left off. Guilt still consumes me up to this day. I have a lot of questions on my mind that I've been wanting to ask him for years, yet I think this would just remain on my list of unanswered questions in life. It's the guilt and those moments thinking what could have been that makes me cry. I just can't seem to take another step, I'm trapped in my own misery. It just hurts, but the pain seems quite bearable. Crying helps ease the pain.

And with all these problems contained in my head and endless crying 'til I lose consciousness, I decided I should to talk to a friend... particularly that friend. I would not want to go crazy bottling up all these emotions and problems, I need it all out. And that's what I did. I really love this friend of mine 'cause he knows exactly what to say in the moment. Honestly, he is the only person I have confided on this kind of problems, and he is the only person who have seen me cry (mula nung nag-college, di pa ako umiiyak in public). I know and God knows that I needed someone like this in my life right now, and He gave it to me. :)

As of this moment, while I am writing this post, I feel better and un-depressed. Haha :) It is all thanks to the talk that I had with that friend, recent distractions (which is a good thing), and of course, God's continuing guidance in my life. I know that He is someone I can always talk to and that He knows what I really feel; words aren't necessary.

I still kind of want to know the answers to my unanswered questions... someday... I will know that.