choices

I am writing this in the middle of the week, and in the middle of the day because A) I am very confused, and B) I am pissed off. Let's start with reason A.
I am very confused 'cause there are so many options that I am having a hard time choosing one. There are too many paths ahead of me and I cannot choose which one to take. Let's see... here are the options:
1. Church.
2. Join org A.
3. Join org B.
4. Music. ♥
5. Paka-adik sa acads.
6. As is. (flirting, sitting around -- which are kind of getting boring)
I'm guessing I need to choose at least one among the first four 'cause my depression isn't getting any better. I need distractions. I feel like if I don't do something before the year ends, I might as well go. LOL. Kidding. This freakin' depression is almost headed towards that. I need to be saved. But anyway, that isn't the point of this post. I just want to do something worthwhile, yung tipong worth it naman ang pag-eexist ko. IDK. I'm just confused that I do not know what I am saying.
Next off, I am pissed off. People are leaving me behind. People do NOT leave me behind. I should be the one leaving them. :P But yeah, it IS happening. And it is pissing me off. So much. Truth is, I hate solitude. It brings up the depression. Depression easily eats me up whenever I am alone. So yeah, as of now, my solution is just flirting and watching some series. But we all know that would not last long. I need some kind of a long term solution. This is how this reason is related to the first one.  
Screw everybody. 
:(

-----
I am currently in music therapy. Yeah, I'm playing those loud rock songs. They deal with all the frustration and anger and whatever you call these feelings I feel right now. 

flirting games

One does not lose on his/her own flirting game.

...or not.

Actually, I just lost on mine... and I was in RAAAAGE mode. LOL. This is probably the first time that I lost at my own game. No, it was not fun. I hate it. I hate the fact the I lost to some random guy and gave in just like that. I hate the fact that I flirted with him so much. But, that's it. He won. He freakin' won. And now I have no means of communication with him nor I do not want any form of communication with that a******. Haha. Now, go back to f***ing your ex, stranger. >:D

trapped in the past

Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on.

During this last week (and the past few weeks, too), I admit, I have been struggling with depression. I don't know why, but it is as if all those negative thoughts are eating me up. They linger on my mind, poisoning my system. I cry at random times; I cry myself to sleep, I cry during my free period, I cry while washing up, I cry while watching a non-drama show. Of course, I feel strange that this is happening to me, and I am just letting me do this myself. There's too much pain inside of me, and I need to let it all out.

There may only be two persons who would know about this, my friend and you, random reader. Despite the happiness that I express when I am around people, I feel the exact opposite whenever I am alone. During those times that I am alone, depression seems to be catching up on me. One day, I thought I already feel fine, but then later on, depression takes over me. Those were very confusing times. I do not know why this happens to me, but I just keep on praying that He may enlighten me, lead me to the right direction. 

True, I have problems. One is that I feel so insecure with the people around me. I feel like I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough... I feel like I am not enough. I know it's wrong to feel that way, but my brain keeps on thinking that way. 

Moreover, I feel that I am not wanted by my peers, like I'm just trying to fit myself in to them. I may probably feel that way due to some issues which is actually not an issue at all. 

Jealousy may also be a factor for this depression. This can be connected to that insecurity problem that I have. 

And another problem is that I could not freakin move on. I have been stuck here for three years. I may move a little but it's just a few steps, then I would stop, not wanting to move on from where we left off. Guilt still consumes me up to this day. I have a lot of questions on my mind that I've been wanting to ask him for years, yet I think this would just remain on my list of unanswered questions in life. It's the guilt and those moments thinking what could have been that makes me cry. I just can't seem to take another step, I'm trapped in my own misery. It just hurts, but the pain seems quite bearable. Crying helps ease the pain.

And with all these problems contained in my head and endless crying 'til I lose consciousness, I decided I should to talk to a friend... particularly that friend. I would not want to go crazy bottling up all these emotions and problems, I need it all out. And that's what I did. I really love this friend of mine 'cause he knows exactly what to say in the moment. Honestly, he is the only person I have confided on this kind of problems, and he is the only person who have seen me cry (mula nung nag-college, di pa ako umiiyak in public). I know and God knows that I needed someone like this in my life right now, and He gave it to me. :)

As of this moment, while I am writing this post, I feel better and un-depressed. Haha :) It is all thanks to the talk that I had with that friend, recent distractions (which is a good thing), and of course, God's continuing guidance in my life. I know that He is someone I can always talk to and that He knows what I really feel; words aren't necessary.

I still kind of want to know the answers to my unanswered questions... someday... I will know that.

11/15

We were lying in bed, facing each other, just sharing stories. Then, I whispered to him, "I miss you." He just looked at me, and I know that look; pitiful, hopeful, sad. He whispered something back. He whispered a lot of things that I wasn't able to catch all of it. He spoke, then, in his normal voice. He read to me some quote from his phone and said that someday, I would find the right guy for me, that I was pretty and good enough to find another man. He told me that yes, he do have regrets, but that was all in the past now. Then comes the awkward silence. He spoke again and said that there was one thing he wanted to do but he never got the chance to. I asked him what was it. I waited for his response, then he kissed me on the lips. It was short, around 2 seconds. But on that 2 seconds came the rush of emotions; happiness, nostalgia, but mostly, it was pain. This was the most painful kiss ever, emotionally speaking. After that brief kiss, I turned my back on him, trying not to cry, and he just hugged me from behind. 
Then, I woke up from this painful dream. 

and i hate you for making me fall in love with you

imma make another post. an impromptu one. haha ang sakit kasi </3 nag-iba na siya ng pakikitungo sakin. ngayon-ngayon lang kami nagkita ulit after 2 weeks and since that talk, iba na nga. iba na kami personally. i think he's trying to keep his distance, pero syempre mahirap gawin yun sa kalagayan namin. we were with friends eh. ewan ko ba. nafifeel ko kasing may iba. or praning lang ako. bakit ganon :( sobrang weird lang sa pakiramdam. di ko alam. sabi nga nila, we regret the things we did not say. but in my case, i regret the things i did say. and this is probably the second time. ever. ang sakit </3

assisted enlistment --> Glorietta

Yesterday was a loooong and fun day. :D Woke up at 4am then left for LB around 5, then arrived there by 6. By the time I got there at our college, there was already a loooong line for that "assisted online enlistment". I don't have the right to be pissed off, so I just fell in line and waited for about two hours. I do want to mention that there were a lot of bitches who cut in line. However, when someone announced that the lines would be based on our course, the lines got messed up and some lucky bitches now got first in line and etc. I'm fine with it since I fell in line next to my friends (who are also my coursemates) and we just chatted throughout the line. But theeen, we found out that we can access the site used for online enlistment and do the changes  we want and finalize our schedule on our own without being assisted. Haha. So much for falling in line. We did that, and by 11am, we were done fixing our schedule.

Then, we went out for lunch and it was just okay. After lunch, we took a little walk around campus (haha) then went to our friend's apartment. We just stayed there for a while, watched TV and borrow our friend's laptop so we could use the internet. Later, another friend called asking us if we want to go with him to Glorietta. We were a little hesitant since we were short in cash, but eventually, we agreed to go with him. :D Gala din yun, guys. Hahahahaha.

It was quite a long drive from LB to Glorietta due to traffic but we enjoyed it anyway since the guys at the backseat were watching Tales From The Friend Zone and my friend (who was driving) and I (sitting at the front) were just listening. And we also exchanged stories and shizz. 

When we got there, we just explored (LOL) since we aren't really that much familiar of Glorietta. And there were a lot of Gloriettas hahaha (1,2,3,4,5 i think?). We took random pictures and it was fun. We went in to some stores but I'm not really interested especially there at Forever 21. Hahahaha. Not my style. Masyadong kikay and pa-girl. XD After that, we decided to take a break at Burger King (money burn. LOL) and our friend who invited to us to come with him met with someone for some business. Haha. While our friend was with that someone, the rest of us looked around Glorietta and then went to Landmark. But then, we got tired again so we went back to Glorietta and that same friend whose apartment we went, treated us to some burgers, fries, and sundae. :D Lucky us. HAHA. After that, we decided to go home. We were dropped off at Sta. Rosa, so we wouldn't have to travel longer and it was already 8pm. 

When I got home, I was soooo tired from all the walking we did that afternoon and all the standing in line earlier that day. My body hurts so much. But all of that was worth it. What an awesome way to end the sembreak. :D 

excuse me?

Yes, it's that time of the month for me. And it freaking hurts. I'm just gonna type less to minimize my use of bad language. When I woke up from my afternoon nap, I found out that online registration was suspended and that we are advised to just go on with the assisted online enlistment thingy at our respective colleges. Uhm, excuse me, you expect me to go there tomorrow at this state? I am currently writhing in pain in my bed then you expect me to get my butt out there just so I could fix my sched? Oh okay, no problem! (I hope you detect the sarcasm in there.) LOL. But I'm still gonna go there. Bahala na bukas. -.-

Oh, let me add something up... This is, by far, the worst OR -.- No offense meant, but seriously, we waited for two days and in the end, magiging AE lang din? Just saying.

registration rants

Rants. Rants everywhere. Haha. Gusto ko mag-tagalog sa post na to para naman mas ma-"feel" yung mga sasabihin ko :D
First off... Yep, online registration ngayon. And as always, dapat ineexpect niyo na dapat yung worst. As if di pa natuto sa mga nakaraang registration? Haha. However, nakaka-alsdkjasd na nga maghintay. HAHAHA. Para naman sa mga bago pa lang dito, it's alright to rant, pero grabe, wag naman yung
OA na minu-minuto magttweet sa Twitter or magpopost ng status sa Facebook. Duh, guys, be patient. Haha. Di ko nga kineri yung sunod-sunod na notifs sa Facebook nung time na mismo ng registration. Umabot ata yun ng almost 40, from close friends post and group posts, in a span of 30 minutes. Nice, di ba? LOL. And of course, there is no use bashing on the devteam because we all know they're doing their best to give us the service we deserve. Sadyang may mga hadlang lang talaga sa buhay at may mga di inaasahang pangyayari. We should still give credit to them.
Next, yung mga tanong ng tanong... huhu may FAQ nga ehhhh. Pero medyo understandable yung sunod-sunod nilang pagtatanong dahil medyo nagloloko ung FAQ document kanina. And medyo naiiintindihan ko naman ang nararamdaman nilang confusion. Pero kasiiiii... why can't they be just contented? Which leads to this last point...
Ang daming reklamo ng new guys sa kanilang schedule eh. Haha. Seriously, why can't they just suck it up and accept the fact na ganon ang magiging buhay nila next sem. Paswitch-switch pa sila kasi daw ang panget ng schedule nila blah blah blah. Haha. Eh pamukha ko kaya yung schedule ko nung ganong time. Halos wala nga akong break, ay, wala pala talaga tuwing Wednesday and Friday pero tinanggap ko na lang. Di ako reklamador eh :)) Tapos meron namang isa, naiinis kasi andami nyang break. Please, tell that to my five and a half hour break last sem, na naging eight hour break nung nawala na yung PE. HAHA. Andami pwedeng gawin, like, perhaps, study? Gah. Basta, sana naman makuntento kayo sa kung anong ibinigay sa inyo lalo na kung kumpleto naman. Mayroon ka lang right na magpanic kung less than 17 units ang nakuha mo. Okay? 

And there goes my thoughts for the whole day :D At mukang namove na naman pala tong registration bukas, sana maayos na to. XD

my blog title

In case someone got lost here in my blog and wonders what my blog title is about, this one's for you. :P 
I got my title from a Foster The People song, Helena Beat: Sometimes life it takes you by the hair, pulls you down. Before you know it, it's gone and you're dead again. This is the first two lines of the song. I derived my blog title from this since that's how I'm feeling as of the moment. I know that life is a little bitch and life doesn't always give you what you want, but I keep on living it anyway 'cause it's wonderful ;P
And yes, I am a huge Foster The People fan. Go Foster Kids.

10 things I would like to do with THAT guy :)

1. (and will always be my number 1.) Watch concerts by our favorite band/artist. :) -- Call me weird, but i do find this very sweet and romantic. Haha.

2. Do a TV series or movie marathon. -- This may seem to be a lazy activity but it's nice to just sit out, chill and watch something together (whether comedy or horror or what).

3. Study. -- Yes, this maybe, perhaps, too nerdy. But, it is our responsibility to maintain good grades while engaging in a relationship.

4. Shopping. -- Guys who would go shopping with you/guys who actually go shopping is definitely worth keeping.

5. Tell stories. -- An exchange of random stories, information, what happened when, and etc. whether personally or through text. LOL. Moreover, I would love to know how his day went, and hopefully, vice versa.

6. Play games or sports. -- Not only it would keep us healthy (and our relationship, too), we all know playing games and sports is always fun. :D

7. Share music. -- It's good that we could just listen to music together and hang-out. We could also exchange some new stuff that we have listened to... anyway, it's music (which we should both love :P)

8. Eat. -- Preferably something he cooked :D Or we could go out and try new food and restaurants, or just go to our usual favorite and enjoy the pleasures of eating :D

9. Do silly things. -- Being random can be fun and crazy. And that's how I want us to be. I want to be surprised with what we could both do. 

10. Pray. -- This could be the last, but definitely not the least. A relationship that honors God is the one of the best relationships you can have :)

--------------------------------

After around a week of drafting and thinking how to express these thoughts, I finally came up with this :) (this can also be found on my tumblr page)

Alex :D

Yep. I need to create a new post today because I can't... ermegerd. Too much fangirl feels. Approximately an hour ago, I saw the huge poster of Mr. Alexander DeLeon of The Cab at SM Sta. Rosa. He was so gorgeous <3 I really want to thank Dickies for giving these lovely guys a chance to promote their line :D Can't wait to see more posters of them haha. That would be a very good way to let people know their band and their awesome music. Ahh... I love those guys :D

nth

Hi. This is my nth blog, and I don't care. LOL. I just want to create a new one. I kinda need an outlet for these contained feelings and overflowing thoughts. And no, I don't think I'm going to advertise this blog on my Facebook, Twitter or Tumblr, but I'm going to keep it public. :P Bahala na kung may makakita. Haha.

Just in case you are curious, you could take a look at my previous blogs: 

Blog 1: I was 13 at that time. Mild jejemon days XD

Blog 2: I was 14 and I kinda type better compared to the first one.

I know I have another blog but I can't track it down. And yes, I am much more sophisticated now, thus, there is no way I am going to type in a jejemon manner again. I'm 18 and a college girl now. :P