memorable moments this 2013 :D

Just like last year, I'm going to list down my 10 most memorable moments for this year. I'd say this year was awesome, probably better than last year. I've been good and bad, happy and sad, but in the end, all the experience was worth it :D


10. April 8, 2013 
     This day was the roller coaster of the year. Haha. I remember clearly how my day started so bad because of my problem, and I still had a final exam later in the morning. I can't really say what exactly happened, but it was hell. I hope I won't go through that again next year.
      Later that day (some time in the afternoon), my soon-to-be boyfriend in a few minutes visited me, and he made everything better by asking me to be his girlfriend. I've liked him for some time then, so it was quite easy to say yes. :) He had a few presents for me, including a chocolate so melted because of the summer heat. Haha. I appreciated his presents a lot. And all my anxiety during the morning was gone. :)

9. Christmas eve
     It was the first time we spent Christmas eve away from home. We went to our relative's home and we get to spend it there together. There was a photo booth and a lot of pictures were taken, and my cousins and I enjoyed it so much. Haha. There were lots of drinks and foods and stories as well. It was actually nice to spend Christmas eve this way. :)

8. Acads
     This had it's ups and downs, but, during the latter part of the year, this was the better part. Don't get me wrong, I love learning new stuff and I'm not all that high and mighty when it comes to academics, but finally feeling industrious again this second semester feels good. Maybe because I'm learning all new stuff from my major, and it's interesting. :)
     Also, the last part of the first semester was quite fun despite all those loads of schoolwork and projects. It was awesome brainstorming and getting to work with my brilliant classmates/groupmates. The downside is I really missed proper sleep. A LOT. :---)

7. Opening up to more music
     Because of my bf and twitter friends, I got the chance to listen to a lot of new and cool stuff from different bands and artists. I can't find any other words to say about this but I'm definitely glad that my iTunes contains over a thousand songs.

6. Hangout with HS friends last sembreak
     Well, at least we get to meet at least once every year. There were almost 20 of us who gathered and just enjoyed each other's company. It was a very fun hang out. We ate at Shakey's, strolled inside the mall then played at Quantum. Of course, we exchanged a lot of stories since we need a lot of catching up to do. :)

5. Meeting BForce and other fangirl friends (haha)
     Well honestly, I love BForce to bits and they just make me so happy. Haha. We all have something in common (hey, Mr. Jack Barakat) plus everyone's got their own sense of humor. Ily gurls.
     And to everyone else who helped me get to where I am... (what!?)
     And for every fangirl/boy I have met over the internet, damn, they're awesome. Stay awesome and hope I to see some of them on other concerts :)
     This also goes out to my elbi fangirl friends. You know who you are :--)

4. When Jack Barakat replied to my tweet
     Oh come on, who wouldn't be overly delighted to have Jack reply a full sentence to you?? Sorry but I'm just so happy okay. It's okay for a girl to be happy about this kind of things. ;D
See Jack's tweet here :D :D :D

3. Paramore concert (February 15, 2013)
     I missed them last 2010, but not this time. :D Hearing one of my all time favorite band live was really an amazing moment. Hayley's voice is just so perfect, the whole band is perfect, not to mention I'm surrounded by tens of thousands of people loving the same music as I do. 
And nope. I will not get a Gen Ad seat again because fuck vertigo.

2. Bazooka Rocks weekend (August 24-25,2013)
     BEST. WEEKEND. EVER. Met and hugged my fave bands especially Tonight Alive and All Time Low. I freakin' hugged them!!!! *fangirl moment* And of course, that wouldn't be possible without those hundreds of people whom I bothered and nagged to vote for my entry on MOA's contest for that M&G. To all of those people, I send you all my love and my deepest gratitude :-)
     Of course, the concert itself was rad!!!! 14 hours of awesome live music from more than 10 different bands, being surrounded by people who have the same passion and love for music as I do, and seeing my fave bands next to the person I love is beyond perfect. Plus, booze and foods and random booths is more than I could ask for. It was the best 3k something I've ever spent, and it was definitely well-spent!

1. P :-)
     We started the year together (well, we still weren't together at the start of the year but you get the idea) and I'm glad we're ending it together, as well. I honestly don't know what I'd be, or where I'd be if he wouldn't be in my life right now. He's the best thing that ever happened to me this year. He's my Jack Barakat, my best friend, my concert buddy, my pillow and the love of my life. I don't wanna get cheesy anymore so I'll just say that I really love him. :-)
Well, that's one to cross off this list :-)


---
I really want to thank God for giving me such a great year, a lot of experiences and a good boyfriend. I wanna thank my family and all my friends, because heck, my 2013 would be incomplete without you. I also wanna thank bands for existing and creating music. I wanna thank whoever created twitter because I made quite some friends over twitter, ya know. Well, going back to the topic, I know every good and bad thing that I encountered this year only adds up to my list of awesome experience. :-)

Unmaterialized

I have a lot of thoughts that I could not put into words.

I feel like this makes me less intelligent.

And is actually frustrating.

Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass (that's been on the bed for a week)

Why am I not feeling so Christmasy? I don't know -- maybe it's because I've spent a week sitting my butt off, browsing through some random pages on the internet, listening to different bands, and fangirling over their stuff. I know, I should feel the holiday spirit, but nope, the spirit does not dwell within me. Maybe it's also due to my environment that does not really look like the holidays, or I just really enjoy wasting my time. I could've been productive, but I chose not to. Oh wait, I've done a little cooking last week but that was it. I could literally hear my bed screaming, "GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OUT". But hey, I guess I have a one-sided relationship with my bed now. And yep, this is a totally unrelated blabbering about the holidays. 

Merry Christmas, anyway. Hope you're enjoying the holidays! ;-)



PS. Full Frontal tomorrow, bitchez. (around 7am, Dec 24. Philippine time)

SOS

Help yourself.

No one can help you better than yourself.

Stand firmly on the ground and help yourself up.

You can't break down if you know how to stand up.

Surround yourself with good people.

Dispose the bad ones.

Learn from them.

Words won't kill you.

Running away will.

And giving up won't be an option.

Pain will always be temporary.

Better days will come.

Life is a battle.

You just have to find out how to win.

And no one can help you win but yourself.

sooo...

religion is not something you shove down on other people's throats. it should come naturally, when the heart is ready. 

on second thought, religion is not actually important. your relationship with God is.

12/9/13

i hate being alone
i hate being left alone with my thoughts
i hate that im crying myself to sleep at night
i hate that i keep the light turned on at night
i hate how my body tenses up when i feel alone
i hate when those bad memories haunt me when im alone
i hate how i become so weak
i hate how fear has taken over me
i hate that i could not save myself
i hate that nothing could save me right now
i hate how i get paranoid about the smallest things
i hate every negative emotion that i have
i hate that im crying right now
i hate that i dont see any living thing within the corners of my room
i hate that i have no one to talk to right now
i hate how i fear that my friends dont want to talk to me
i hate that i think about those things
i hate that i feel so alone
i hate these feelings
i hate myself
i hate

never was

wasting moments, wishes and dreams

that never came true.

it was a never was,

a never have been,

a never in a thousand lifetimes.

what a shame,

we could have rainbows

and happiness.

but we choose to ignore

every chance

we could have taken.

ERADICATION.

i really wish our story was written in pencil so i could easily erase off all of you. 

god, you hypocrites. i'm sick of your crap and i don't have time for your petty shits. you call yourselves "friends", ha, what a joke.

forgive and not forget

I forgive, but I don't forget. You don't get away with every bad thing you did to me. I remember, but I'm not the kind of person who stay angry for too long. Be careful, those bad memories might bring up a grudge, and it can be bad for you.

Bazooka Rocks 2!

some shots taken last August 25, 2013 c;

Uchusentai Noiz

Uchusentai Noiz M&G at Bazooka Rocks 2.

RadioDriveBy

RadioDriveBy performing at Bazooka Rocks 2.

Adam of RadioDriveBy.

Tonight Alive

Tonight Alive M&G at Bazooka Rocks 2.

Jenna and Camm of Tonight Alive.

Tonight Alive's awesome performance
at Bazooka Rocks 2.

We Came As Romans

We Came As Romans and the moshing crowd
at Bazooka Rocks 2

 Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Nostalgia during Red Jumpsuit Apparatus'
set at Bazooka Rocks 2.

Anberlin

Anberlin's performance at Bazooka Rocks 2
from the side.

All Time Low

All Time Low's energetic show at Bazooka
Rocks 2.

Rian and Alex of All Time Low.

A Rocket To The Moon 

A Rocket To The Moon's Last Performance
in Manila at Bazooka Rocks 2.
cue: tears

October.

October was a roller coaster. I threw up.

Bazooka Rocks 2 Fan Party and M&G

It's been almost a month since I met my favorite bands and of course, Bazooka Rocks 2, and I still have PCD, obviously. I'm finding it hard to get over it. I may probably never get over it, or it would take a loooong time. 

Anyway, let's start with the 24th of August. Meet and greet with A Rocket to the Moon, Tonight Alive, and All Time Low (missed WCAR because too hungry :c). Damn, that was *insert words to explain this extreme happiness*. It's been a month yet I still remember everything that happened clearly. Me and my friend fucking won MOA's contest for the meet and greet with TA, WCAR, ARTTM and ATL a day before. Of course, we're ecstatic. My friend and I arrived at MOA at around 12:30 and my boyfriend was already waiting for us there. We had a quick lunch at Jollibee while waiting for the M&G to start :) 

After waiting for some time, we got inside the venue (well, where the stage is set), and after a few more minutes and Tonight Alive was in the house. Whakaio and Jenna performed an acoustic set made up of 3 songs -- Listening, Safe and Sound, and The Ocean. Jenna sounds like an angel and Whak is definitely a great guitar player! After their little set, Tonight Alive's M&G began. My boyfriend (who got his pass from my friend) and I were so stoked since we both love Tonight Alive! When I was up the stage, I hugged and said hello first to Matt then to Jake. When I got to Jenna, I was so stunned by her beauty and I almost got speechless but good thing I said a few words and hugged her. The photographer took a photo of us and then I hugged Cam and Whak at the same time. They were all nice people and I fucking loved their accent when they said hello and a few other words to me :)

M&G with Tonight Alive :D

We missed RJA's signing and the We Came As Romans M&G and it was because a little of I kinda got bored while waiting in line and more of I was so hungry by then (I know, I suck). That was around 5 in the afternoon. Next up was A Rocket To The Moon M&G. Since this will be the last time ARTTM would be playing here as a whole band, this one's really special. The crowd surprised them by singing Baby Blue Eyes as they entered the area, and Nick, Halvo, Andrew and Justin definitely enjoyed it. While waiting in line, I got an idea to make Nick hold a fansign for my friends who are such a big fan of ARTTM. And because of panicking and partly too excited because ATL's M&G was next, I dropped my phone HAHA. Good thing a kind soul picked it up and gave it to the bouncers, and the bouncers were so nice and helpful when I lost my phone and I surely got it back afterwards. Anyway, when I came up on stage, I was panicking again and the funny thing is, I have spoken in English quite well, because I asked Nick to hold this thing up for me while the photographer took the photo. I only said a quick hello to the other guys due to limited time. It was definitely a pleasure to have a picture with ARTTM.

M&G with ARTTM :D

All Time Low's M&G was up next. And oh dear God, everything prior to me meeting ATL was a blur HAHAHA. We were kind of at the back of the line, and the next thing I remember, I was hugging Jack Barakat. I. FUCKING. HUGGED. JACK. BARAKAT. God, he's kinda thin, and VERY ADORABLE. Haha. I gave him my little gift and he said thanks and I said that I love him. HAHA and guess what, he loves me back!!! lqioweq8sdflksew5 I gave him some stupid smile (or laugh) and moved on to giving Zack a letter from my friend and hugging him. God, those muscles. Then, I went to Alex and hugged him and then I gave him a letter from another friend and holy shit, he smiled and said thanks (in a very cute way). The photographer then took a shot of us. And I got to Rian (who was drinking beer) and I said hi and hugged him and he's just so cute. I was absolutely happy during this M&G, that you can see it on my face. I was literally ":D" at that time.

All Time Low M&G :D
Alex was not looking at the camera,
he kinda looks like a lost boy ;p

After a tiring day, my friend and I left MOA feeling extremely happy and a bit tired with the M&G. My dreams did come true and I wish it could always be like this. :) Thank you, SM Mall of Asia and Pulp Live World for making this happen! :)

(TL;DR. I'm overly happy that I met my favorite bands.)

new blog title

my new blog title is from Tonight Alive's song, Wasting Away. love that song. and it just, idk, it fits me at the moment ;D



EDIT: obviously i've changed my blog title as of now (march 2014)

Two days

I am two days away from meeting my heroes. No, they don't fly but they do sing and they save people's lives all the same. After all the frustrations and panic and sweat for three months, here I am, (not quite) ready to meet the people behind the music that has been with me in the lowest points of my life. As cliche as it may sound, music is my escape -- escape from school, from pressure, from problems, from the world, from this harsh reality. Their songs tell me that everything will be okay, and they speak to me in a way that no one else can. They've been with me when none of my friends ever did. Their music kept me sane. And it's just that, it feels like there is a special connection between me and their songs. I am so excited to meet them and thank them for their music. I feel like they have been my friends even if I haven't seen them personally yet. I know, I sound like a typical fangirl, but hey, what I am really saying is true and that is what I really feel. So yeah, BRF weekend, I'm coming :---)

it's not the way you plan it, it's how you make it happen

Too many plans, too many dreams. I can't seem to make them happen. It's frustrating. I've laid out my plans, yet i don't have the guts to materialize them. I want to do this, I want to do that, I want to do him (okay, kidding) but it's all just a bouquet of words -- words without actions. I am always left with this hard decision of whether I follow my dreams or I stick to the conventional. I always think of the pros and cons of my actions -- would it benefit me, or disfavor me? I would think, what would my parents' or friends' reaction be if I do this or stop doing this? What if everything would fail and I would be left with nothing? It's always a matter of thinking. Maybe I do tend to overthink every detail, and that's what sets me back from following my dreams and plans. Maybe it's this fear that I am nurturing inside me that hinders me from doing everything. It's this fear of trying and then failing that separates me and my dreams. Perhaps, it's time to let this fear go, stop overthinking, and just do what I want to? Yes, these are words again. Words I'm afraid I could not live by. I should just take these baby steps, do one thing at a time, until I reach my dreams. One day, I'm gonna make this happen. 

giving up

why is giving up the only option i have when things don't go right? maybe i've never been strong at all. it was all just an illusion; lies that i tell myself to make me feel better. life puts me through a lot of bullshit and i just can't handle it all. i hate feeling so helpless and hopeless. i don't know how to pick myself up. giving up would be easier -- saves me all the trouble of getting up and going through the same shits all over again. i don't know. i'm still stuck in the middle. i will always be here, thinking of moving up or going down, left or right. nothing could save me right now.

Nothing’s going right; eveything’s going downhill. It’s catching up with me; I can feel it behind my back. I’m too scared to end it, yet too scared to go on. I’m hanging in the middle of nothingness, crying, hoping for salvation. I find no point in doing anything. Everything hurts on the inside. I’m drowning in my loneliness. One hand’s up, seeking for your help, yet no one seems to see me. No one seems to hear me. No one seems to feel me. I am nothing. I am not going right. Just let me drown this time, perhaps, this would be better. It’s beside me now, embracing me, telling me it will not be alright. I’m always going to be in the middle, hanging to whatever piece of hope I could get. 

just this. okay. it helped me a lot.

if you're suicidal, thinking of self-harm and similar things, go read this okay http://www.cracked.com/article_15658_the-ten-minute-suicide-guide.html

if you're james dean, i'm audrey hepburn

as long as you're here with me, i know i'll be okay 

life's been hard on me for the past few months. it goes up, it goes down; sometimes, one lasts longer than the other. but the pleasant thought of you, never giving up on me, is what keeps me going c: you never gave up on me when i almost gave up on myself. i'll never forget that day, my dear c: whenever i feel down, just the thought of you is enough to make me feel okay. i love you, dear, and i can't wait to spend forever with you because then, i would feel alright every single day c: they say that love is forever, your forever is all that i need <3

fitting in

why do we need to fit in?
why do we feel like we need to belong to something?
i believe we can do fine on our own, but perhaps it's the jealousy that we feel when we see other people in groups that makes you realize of your loneliness.
thus, that created the sense of belongingness. we don't feel our existence is justified until we belong to a certain group.
but if we just can't fit in into this group, it's not enough reason to be sad and engage into self-pity because a person can be awesome on their own. you can do great things without other people's help. you are valuable. you are important.
screw whoever said that we should belong to something in order to feel good about ourselves, because at the end of the day, it's just ourselves whom we trust and depend our happiness, and not anybody else.

here’s to my friends in the past who aren’t quite my friends now

where are you? im standing up and say that i do miss you. i do want to catch up with you. and im just too shy to let you know this. im afraid it would be awkward now, knowing that years passed since we last talked. im afraid that you don’t care about me anymore. oh wait, after not contacting me for years, yeah, you prolly don’t care. i think i did try to reach out to you. but you were either busy or you just shook me off. it’s just so sad that the friendship we had is going to waste. you’ve moved on with your life, i’ve moved on with mine. i guess we’re two separate worlds now. i was just a chapter in your life. i do hope that was a fun and beautiful chapter, because it is in mine. so here’s to the memories we made and the friendship we had that would eventually end some time soon.

just saying

Whenever I feel so depressed and feel like cutting, I just listen to Hold On Till May by Pierce the Veil, 'cause it's basically Vic Fuentes (and of course the whole band) telling me not to do it. Yep, it helps. :)

fuck everything. that's why.

that feeling that you just don't belong
that you don't really want to be here 
that you're just tiring yourself out for things that would eventually fail you
that you think you need to be somewhere else
reaching out, chasing what you really love


things get you down, break you into a million pieces
but life goes on
someday, somehow, you'll need to get those pieces back
put it together and things would get better.
it will. it should.

just when :)

just when i was giving up on life, life doesn't give up on me :)

the moment i decided to give up, life gives me a thousand reasons not to :) (okay, oa yung thousand, di naman talaga thousands pero it feels like it) haha. i’m on a roller coaster ride, and now i'm going up. i wish i could stay there forever. i do not want to think that someday, this would come down again. happiness is temporary, pain is temporary. but i'm currently getting the best that life could offer me, so wth. truly, i am delighted that I could know happiness again. furthermore, i am happy for myself. no more self-pity. haha.

and just when i thought i could not feel love again, love slaps me in the face, and wraps me in an embrace. XD this means so much to me :) if ever you read this, you know who you are. you know me. :)

things will get better. don’t give up. just wait.

paramore

watched paramore's concert here in manila last night. and it was beyond AWESOME.
i am so happy that i can't explain all the feelings i have been feeling since last night from the moment they took up the stage. it was perfection! paramore is perfection.

im so excited :P

imagine you and me in that perfect scene
tomorrow, we'd be together, holding each other
patience, my love, we'll be forever


(c)akbm 
yes. these are mine.

para kay...

dalawang taon na akong nagpaparamdam

tila sobrang manhid mo naman

hindi mo ba ako nakikiTa

o hindi mo lang ako tinitignan

why me

Why do I push away someone who likes me? Why does he like me, anyway? First off, I am not really romantically likeable. I don't have the physical qualities wherein a guy should be attracted to. I am not that pretty nor have the best attitude. I act like a bitch sometimes, and I can get mean, too. Maybe you're wondering why am I focusing on my negative sides rather than the positive ones. Well, those are easier to point out. Next, when someone tells me they like me, I just don't want to believe them anymore. This is because of the first reason, and also because guys are jerks. They let you believe that they like you, then after some time, they're gonna tell you that they were not that serious about it or they just disappear and never have connections with you again. Seriously, I could make a list of guys who did that to me under those two classifications. And during those moments, I am always on the losing end because I believed them. Haha. Stupid. So yeah, I don't know why I made this post. I guess I just want to say these things.

i remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

He was someone I never expected to like, nor fall in "love" with. It just all happened so suddenly when he held my hand and then sparks flew. 

Prior to that, we were just friends/classmates. Then on that day, we were huddled in a circle with other friends and reviewing for an exam. We were seated next to each other, our hands brushing a little whenever a slight movement was done. I do not know if that was intentional (by him) or what, but anyway, we ended up holding each other's hands. If my memory doesn't fail me, it was him who initiated it. Of course, as a thirteen-year-old, I was kind of surprised, especially because he was the first guy to hold my hand. 

After that incident, we started to become closer friends. He would always sit beside me during breaks and hold hands and do cheesy stuffs. We never kissed, though he kissed me once on the head, and that was it. At that moment, I could say that I "love" him, and vice versa. But damn, we were both thirteen-year-olds, okay? And I didn't consider him as my boyfriend because there was no really formalities among that. Maybe I should ask him now that we are older. Haha. Anyway, all of those things happen a few weeks before the end of classes. And the bad news is, he is going to leave the country during the summer; they were migrating somewhere in Europe. 

We tried to keep in contact while he was on the other side of the world. We chat regularly, he even called me during his first days there. Then, as time passes by, we slowly slipped away; chatting less, talking less. This went on for a few months, we would rarely talk and if we did, it was just casual hello's and how are you's. It was just so sad.

A year after our little holding hands incident, we decided to stop whatever we have and whatever we are doing; just releasing each other from the commitments we have (if he even considered that as a commitment). So yeah, like normal teenagers, I felt broken. Ha ha. I went on like that for a few months...until I met the guy who later became my first true boyfriend. LOL.

Now, looking back at this story, I could say that that was puppy love. It was some kind of love that young teenagers would want to engage in just to feel what it feels like to have some sort of boyfriend (or girlfriend, for boys... or not. IFYKWIM).

"I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped" (Innocent by Our Lady Peace) 
Sure, up until now, I still remember how those felt. How holding his hand felt, how my head on his shoulders felt, how flirt texting him felt like, how we listen to our favorite songs felt, how I felt coping up when he left the country, how chatting with him after a long time felt, and of course, how heartbroken I felt when we decided it was over. I don't regret feeling these things, in fact, I am happy that I felt all of these. It is a part of me and it makes up who I am. Anyway, all the feelings that I have for him gradually stopped when I started being friends with the guy who later became my boyfriend. :P 

To e, I do hope you are happy now. And I very much like to meet up with you when you get back here and talk about how silly we were back then. I do not feel any romantic feelings for you anymore, but you know, I still care. :)

PS. The lyrics of that song by OLP kinda fits the story, but the actual song doesn't. The song tells a completely different story. Listen to it, it's good. Innocent by Our Lady Peace. :)

wills, shoulds and musts for 2013 :)

I am making this list so I could be reminded of the things to do this year :)

1. I must study harder. Always the first one.

2. I must pass all my subjets for the year. Go, go, go. :D

3. I must watch Paramore's concert on February 15. MUST.

4. I should learn how to drive.

5. I should learn how to play the bass or drums.

6. I will make more covers of random songs. LOL.

7. I will listen to new bands.
8. I must fix my iTunes -.-
9. I will sleep early... naaat. jk :))
10. I will try to find a boyfriend. LOL.
11. I should watch Pierce the Veil/Sleeping with Sirens show on February 16. :)
12. I should also watch Smash Project on March 8... kung may matitira pang pera. XD
13. I will try to join an organization... pag sinipag. 
14. I must write notes about good things that happens to me this year :)
15. I should save money. The least I could save every week is Php200. 
16. I will try to exercise as much as possible :)
17. I must make my requirements ahead of time as much as possible.
18. I will lessen my gala and tambay but still maintain friendships and connections :D
19. I will try to listen to a certain radio station every night.
20. I will ask him for a movie date...again. :D
21. I must say YES to new things (of course, things that would not put me on harm lol)


This list will probably be for my happiness. :D I know there are still lots of things I want to do, but I just couldn't write them down right now. :P