Drag me down

Depression actually takes something from you and you can never take it back no matter how hard you try.

In my case, I kinda lost some of my friends and my ability to talk to them like we used to. This depression created a gap in our relationship that I've been trying to fill but I can't. No one knows because no one will understand. It's not an underestimation, but it's a way of keeping myself safe. This sad life I'm leading, I hope it doesn't last long.

Looking back

When I started this blog almost three years ago as an outlet for all of my negative emotions, I never thought I would have gotten better and would have gotten this far. But here I am, and I've had a lot of accomplishments since then. Sure, I do get the occasional mood swings and relapses but I get through them. I learned how to handle the things that make me sad -- from school to friends to random, nonsense stuff. I learned how to not get the simplest of things get to me. I learned to control my emotions. I surrounded myself with good people and burned bridges for the bad ones. Yes, I still make mistakes, some of them I am really not proud of. But mistakes are mistakes, I just need to make them right. The bottomline is I learned to not give a fuck and make a big fuss about every single negative thing. I've grown a lot emotionally and I hope to God this would be, indeed, for the better. 

you

I caught this sadness like a cold
How do you end this
I need my medicine
But you're my medicine
Yet you are also the cold
Will i ever be cured by this sickness called
"y o u"

was it worth it

it's sad how you unintentionally hurt people

but i never meant to hurt you

i did not choose to hurt you

i never wanted to hurt you

but it can't be helped

there's nothing i can do to not hurt you

is it worth it

is it worth hurting you

is the pain worth it

am i worth the pain

the pain, the hurt

that you had no plan of getting rid of

am i worth it

i don't think so

i am not worth the pain

je souhaite

i wish i could see the world through your eyes
how do you view everything?
how do you find joy in the littlest things?
how do you smile so genuinely despite every wrong thing in this world?
i wish i could have a glimpse of your perspective
how do you believe in love?
how do you gain faith when you do not have much in your hands?
i wish i could know the reason behind those bright eyes
how do you tirelessly shine when everything else is in darkness?
i wish i could be like you -- grounded, dedicated and beautiful
is He the one behind this?
i wish i could meet Him, get close to Him
i would be delighted to
i don't aim for perfection, nor to be exactly like you
i know we have our flaws, but it's worth a shot, right?
i wish i could. i really wish i could.

just life updates after first semester?

....aaand first semester 2014-2015 is officially done. Luckily, I passed all of my subjects and next month, I'm going to start my last semester in college. It's exciting and sad at the same time. I just don't want to face all these adult stuff yet. 

But, my second to the last semester was a blast. ;D This sem was so fun because I get to spend much of it with my close friends and boyfriend and I kinda did well on my subjects. Though I haven't been to any concerts this sem except for Issues show at the start of the semester, it was still a very happy semester. I just love my friends and bf (and my subjects as well). I'm just so stoked to take a rest and chill for this Christmas break. 

And I'm also stoked for 2015 because dang, so many concerts! I'm going to see The 1975 before the semester starts and I'm going to see Ed Sheeran on my birthday! God, life's awesome! ;D

never

late night conversations
2am gentle breeze
caresses your skins

soft laughs
glowing eyes
low murmurs
and meaningful stares

why can't this be us

this could have been us

but it's not.

and it will never be.
i'm not her.
and i will never be.

(is sorry with a comma or not)

sorry, i'm an idiot for letting you slip away.

sorry, i'm too scared to take chances.

sorry, i'm jealous of the fact that you like her now.

sorry, i'm not a thousand times better than she is.

overthinking

it just dawned on me that this will (hopefully) be my last year in college. and several questions sprung out of my beautiful mind. 

"am i ready for this?"

"have i really experienced everything i needed to experience during college?"

"will everything be worth it?" 

"did i miss anything?"

"have i done everything from my imaginary bucket list?" (the answer to this question is, i think, no.)

"will i really graduate?"

"why am i still a lazy ass?"

"did i learn everything i need to learn from my degree?"

"will everything i learned be sufficient to land me a decent job after graduation and passing the board?"

"will i pass the board exams?"

""what happens next?"

"can i face reality?"


i know, i'm overthinking and getting anxious, yet again. but it's the reality that i have to face every single day. every day that passes by, means a step closer to graduation. and i honestly felt like everything i have learned for the past 4 years  up to the present is not enough to prepare me for the rest of my life. yes, i'm just overthinking because fuck studying and upcoming exams.

don't get drunk on a monday.

the post title says it all. just don't. especially if you're up for a busy week. the headaches will haunt you unless you get enough sleep (which in my case, sleep did not happen)

furthermore, your poor soul will suffer. just kidding.

stop being so full of yourself

allow me to go straight to the point...

THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU.

actually, it revolves around the sun.

well, maybe your world revolves around you. but please, stop implying that my world should revolve around yours, too (or other people's for that matter). 

stop telling the world about every single thing you do. we don't need that much information. stop hinting that you are better than most of us. wake up, kid, we all know you're not. stop bragging about riches you have right now (oh, technically, they aren't yours btw). one day, you just might lose it all. stay quiet. lower your pride. don't think too highly of yourself. be sensitive.

and please, stop being so full of yourself.

temporary bliss

These past few weeks (after the January 6 incident), I've been busy elated. :-) Sure, the anxiety and stress will always be there, but these things are under control now. I still get frustrated at times but I try to battle them out. I won't get anywhere with freaking out at every little thing so I try my hardest to not do this. I distract myself to avoid getting anxious and hey, I guess it's a mind over matter kind of thing, I could actually do it. In fact, this January was a whole lot better than last year. :-)

Acads-wise, I don't know. It's a mixture of a little bit fucked up and okay. Hope this semester will bring good news in the end, though :-) 

Moreover, today (January 25th) marks the 5th month since the Bazooka Rocks Festival. Feels all over again. Haha. 

I just had the free time to write a post this week because I have no upcoming exams the next week :)

what even

whatever fucking happened to january 6. i do not know. i just wanna be happy. 

idonthaveanappropriatetitleforthispost

sometimes, you have to admit to yourself that you are not okay; that you are not happy. the next thing to do now is, find what the problem is.

i'm sick of pretending that everything's all right. i know it isn't. something isn't. and what frustrates me is that i don't know what that is. maybe i do know deep inside, i just don't want myself to know what that is. i know, it's confusing, and i hate it. i hate how i feel every negative emotion every time i'm alone. i hate how i breakdown when no one is around. i hate how this table i'm using turns into a pool of tears. i'm honestly sick of feeling this way. i have no idea what to do, or where to go from here. i want to convince myself that i am happy, but these tears at the end of the day tell me that i'm not.

Unmaterialized

I have a lot of thoughts that I could not put into words.

I feel like this makes me less intelligent.

And is actually frustrating.

SOS

Help yourself.

No one can help you better than yourself.

Stand firmly on the ground and help yourself up.

You can't break down if you know how to stand up.

Surround yourself with good people.

Dispose the bad ones.

Learn from them.

Words won't kill you.

Running away will.

And giving up won't be an option.

Pain will always be temporary.

Better days will come.

Life is a battle.

You just have to find out how to win.

And no one can help you win but yourself.

sooo...

religion is not something you shove down on other people's throats. it should come naturally, when the heart is ready. 

on second thought, religion is not actually important. your relationship with God is.

never was

wasting moments, wishes and dreams

that never came true.

it was a never was,

a never have been,

a never in a thousand lifetimes.

what a shame,

we could have rainbows

and happiness.

but we choose to ignore

every chance

we could have taken.

why me

Why do I push away someone who likes me? Why does he like me, anyway? First off, I am not really romantically likeable. I don't have the physical qualities wherein a guy should be attracted to. I am not that pretty nor have the best attitude. I act like a bitch sometimes, and I can get mean, too. Maybe you're wondering why am I focusing on my negative sides rather than the positive ones. Well, those are easier to point out. Next, when someone tells me they like me, I just don't want to believe them anymore. This is because of the first reason, and also because guys are jerks. They let you believe that they like you, then after some time, they're gonna tell you that they were not that serious about it or they just disappear and never have connections with you again. Seriously, I could make a list of guys who did that to me under those two classifications. And during those moments, I am always on the losing end because I believed them. Haha. Stupid. So yeah, I don't know why I made this post. I guess I just want to say these things.

Robin-Barney

Yes. I am a fan of Robin and Barney pairing on How I Met Your Mother. I just like  their storyline on how the become friends then turn into lovers and then friends again, and hopefully, sila na talaga in the end. Haha. Alam niyo yon, yung parang tropa-tropa lang sila at the start then it would be really nice kung sila talaga magkakatuluyan. :"> I just have to post this since masyado akong nadadala ng emotions ko sa panonood sa kanila ngayong Season 8. XD Any Robin-Barney fans out there, too? :D LOL